Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) – This look is sooo not sexy.

With all this talk of Colin Farrell, True Blood and Eric, it’s easy to forget that there are some not so sexy vampires out there. Honestly, vampires didn’t start out as the glimmering, sparkly swoon worthy creatures we know, love and fantasize about today. It wasn’t until Gary Oldman got all spiffed up for us in Bram Stoker’s Dracula in 1992 that vampires started to get hot. And then of course Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt as vampires from Anne Rice’s smash hit Interview with the Vampire in 1994 made sure we would never think of vampires with harsh widow’s peaks and black capes as the norm again. Nope, suddenly vampires were hot.

Yet vampires weren’t always so sexy and attractive. In fact, in the beginning, despite all the Freudian references, there was nothing sexy about them at all. Even today not all vampires in movies are sexy. It just goes to show you that we still like our vampires mean, ugly and scary. These are the kind of monsters that nightmares are made of, and there is absolutely nothing sexy about them. Here’s a look at 5 of the un-sexiest vampires in film.

5. Nosferatu

Despite being the godfather of vampires on film, there is nothing dreamy about Nosferatu at all. It’s quite the opposite. If the way he does that Nosferatu skulk casting shadows on the walls isn’t enough to creep you out, then his exaggerated ears, long talons and decidedly rat like face and front teeth certainly will. Doesn’t he look a teensy bit like an undead Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter?

4. Bram Stoker’s Count Dracula

Good old Vlad the Impaler had some serious glamour. He was pretty suave with the ladies too. Yet underneath his glamourous sex appeal was a beastly and ghastly creature. He could be pretty on the outside when he wanted to be, but just below the surface of his appeal lurked the many faces of death. His numerous incarnations of the dreaded blood drinker that stalked the night definitely do not rank very high on the sexy meter.

3. Marlow from 30 Days of Night

There is absolutely no relation to sexy here. This vampire inspires nothing but absolute mind numbing terror. He doesn’t even register on the sex-o-meter. He is the type of monster that evokes nightmares instead of fantasies. Absolutely ruthless, this vampire makes no bones about how he looks at humans. We are nothing but dinner, inferior, inconsequential annoyances. With a visage, demeanor and attitude like that, there is absolutely nothing attractive about this blood drinker.

2. Vampires from Daybreakers

Russell Edgington would have been proud to call these vampires cohorts in the belief that humans are food. The vampires of Daybreakers will give you a heart attack instead of a fluttering heartbeat. Humans are an endangered species in this flick and the vampires are more interested in foraging for food than finding romance. The starving vampires morph into Subsiders, rapacious and hostile creatures resembling giant bat-like monstrosities whose natures remind me of zombies. In fact, you could say it is the decided lack of sexy that has led to the danger in the vampiric food supply. No willing necks to bite! ;D Now here’s a culture that could definitely use way more than a drop of True Blood in more ways than one. There is definitely no sexy here so we might as well take our sexy scale elsewhere, since these vampires are definitely not sexy, especially when they are starving.

1. Vampires from Priest

Rabid, alienesque demons, these unsightly Korean comic book based vampires are all business. You are more likely to shut your eyes and say your prayers than dream about them buying your house in a lustful and obsessive attempt to own you. Annihilation, extermination and domination is printed in bold letters on their calling cards and an encounter with one of these bad boys is likely to only end up one of two ways, dead or as a familiar subservient to them. Unless Paul Bettany happens to be in the vicinity. These vampires are definitely not the kind to write home about and there is no sexy scale in sight when it comes to these UV sensitive demons.

Are there any other vampires that inspire shivers of horror instead of squeals of delight that aren’t on this list? Who did I miss? Who do you think should be on this list?

I’ve been waiting for this series for almost a year. Finally Camelot is coming to CBC Canada on Tuesday, September 13th, 2011! And you know what that means, right? That’s right! The Scribe’s Desk will be reviewing Camelot! Hooray! Check out the series promo below (I couldn’t get the CBC promo which is awesome BTW to embed for the life of me!) and don’t forget to mark your calendars.

ΩPhoto Credit

’300′ (2006) – King Leonidas and Xerxes

As a story about the origins of the esoteric villain Xerxes, who is larger than life in ‘300’, the title indicates that the film will be heavy on the Artemisia and not just the rise of Xerxes. Status updates tell us that the film will begin with the Battle of Marathon and follow along in the iconic storytelling fashion of ‘300’. At least this spin-off is no longer in “No Title Limbo”.

With his commitment to the Superman movie ‘Man of Steel’ taking precedence, Zack Snyder is only coming back as a producer, though he did pen the script that has producer Mike Canton proclaiming “…it was worth the wait… now I think we have something that is going to be fantastic.” Now ‘300: Battle of Artemesia’ has a need for a director and Noam Murro and Juame Collet-Serra seem to be the frontrunners.

Noam Murro’s film CV includes ‘Smart People’, is a multi award winning commercial director, has directed ‘Halo’ commercials, and he is also developing ‘Die Hard 5’. Jaume Collet-Serra is attached to ‘The River’ pilot, directed ‘Orphan’, is Liam Neeson’s action thriller director in ‘Unknown’ which was recently released on DVD, and also has a few other films on his slate including the Dracula film ‘Harker’ and the remake of ‘Le Cercle Rouge’.

Now the big question is when will shooting commence?

Frank Miller’s Graphic Novel Xerxes

In a nutshell, here’s what the film will be about. Frank Miller dishes the basics:

“The story will be the same heft as ‘300’ but it covers a much, much greater span of time — it’s 10 years, not three days… This is a more complex story. The story is so much larger. The Spartans in ‘300’ were being enclosed by the page as the world got smaller. This story has truly vast subjects. The Athenian naval fleet, for instance, is a massive artistic undertaking and it dwarfed by the Persian fleet, which is also shown in this story. The story has elements of espionage, too, and it’s a sweeping tale with gods and warriors. The new tale climaxes with a massive naval confrontation that is so dense that it is fought like a land war and it ends on the same day as the events of ‘300’.

…the story starts with the Battle of Marathon” … “The lead character is Themistocles, who became warlord of Greece and built their navy. The story is very different than ‘300’ in that it involves Xerxes search for godhood. The existence of gods are presupposed in this story and the idea is that he well on his way to godhood by the end of the story. With Themistocles I have a character who is almost the dead opposite of Leonidas in that Themistocles was a lying, conniving, brilliant, heroic figure. He was nicknamed ‘The Subtle Serpent’ and he always manages to do the exact right things that will result in him benefiting greatly.”

*Kind thanks to /Film for the heads up.

*Syndicated content via TheMoviePool Written by  Kyra Dawson

Pandora by John William Waterhouse 1896

So I was revisiting Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life the other day, a flick where Angelina Jolie searches for the legendary Pandora’s Box, and something tickled my brain and gave me pause. I found it interesting that both in the age of antiquity and in some of the minds of modern day, women are the vehicles responsible for the fall of man. Of course we all know the original sin story of Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden and the snake and apple. It is probably the most famous of all ‘women are the root of all evil’ stories. I think there is even a creation movie lost somewhere in the Hollywood archives depicting this cataclysmic moment in time.

What do Pandora's Myth, Pandora the planet, and Tomb Raider have in common?

In the Pandora myth, the story goes that Pandora was the first woman on Earth, created by Hephaestus in answer to Zeus’ command. It was a command meant to be a punishment for man’s gain of the secret of fire from Prometheus who stole fire from the gods. Zeus’ vengeance came in the form of Pandora, a beautiful ‘evil’ destined to torment…[Read more...]

Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett in Robin Hood directed by Ridley Scott.

This Robin Hood is an ace movie about the infamous and legendary hero Robin of the Hood. At first you may think it is a movie about his exciting exploits as an outlaw alone, however, it is much more than that. It’s a movie that depicts who he was before he was the Robin Hood we all know and love, and what forces made him into the larger than life outlaw of Sherwood Forest. We also get to meet all our faves, Lady Marion, his merry men Little John, Will Scarlet, Friar Tuck, and of course, everyone’s favorite villain, King John the royal runt.

This is a movie about the origins of an outlaw beloved by the people. It is a story that is gritty and very true to the medieval way of life, real historical events expertly woven with intricate English folklore. I found it a refreshing take on a famous medieval tale that has been told a thousand times before.

Ridley Scott‘s version of Robin Hood, starring Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett is out today on DVD! Woohoo!

~P.S.~ This movie has a strong message of fate coursing through it. What about you? Do you believe in fate?