Unfortunately, True Blood’s Eric Northman Is Smoking Hot…

Well what can we say about the #TrueBloodSeasonFinale “Radioactive”? Well, we knew the song at the end of this episode was going to rock. Other than that, WTF?!?! I don’t know whether to laugh, beg, scream like Henry Cavill’s Superman, or just plain cry. One thing is for certain though, and that is that True Blood’s Eric Northman IS smoking hot… literally and most unfortunately.

THIS REVIEW ISABSOLUTELY RIDDLED AND STAKED WITH SPOILERS!!!! IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN TRUE BLOOD’S SEASON 6 FINALE “RADIOACTIVE” YET, PLEASE AVERT YOUR EYES AND PRESERVE YOUR CHANCE OF ENJOYING THE EPISODE. MAKE SURE TO COME BACK AFTER YOU’VE SEEN THE EPISODE!

While sunning himself on the slopes of beautiful Are, Sweden on what was a beautiful sunny day, True Blood’s resident Viking prince of hotness burst into flames. And not because he was too hot, technically, but because Benlow bit it when Jason staked him in Sookie’s bathroom and hence all that faerie goodness and daywalking went up in smoke. Talk about bad timing. This is what living in the now gets you if you are a vampire. I mean, if this is the end for our Northman, then I’m screaming right along with him, as are about a billion other viewers, “NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

So please, please, please don’t let Eric Northman be dead.

Now that that is out of my system, here’s what went down:

Bill and Jessica had a party in the sun at their place. That meant that there was a drunken vampire party on the front lawn of Bill’s estate. Complete with summertime music, wacky clothes and drunken, giggling vampires, and volleyball. Good times. But Pam and Bill know how to be a drunken vampire buzzkill and the fun and games end all to soon as Pam mopes about Eric, fights with Tara, and Bill does what Bill does best. Pine for Sookie. Never fear though because Jessica is the bodyguard of Bill’s tarnished humanity. And Sookie meets Violet which is good for a laugh.

Back in Faerie-ville on that hazy, light filled faerie plane…

Benlow lost his damn mind when Sookie told him she wanted to take it slow. He unleashed his inner psycho and went all slap happy and abusive and controlling fiance on Sookie, his intended faerie vampire bride to be. Were we surprised? Oh hell to the no. We all knew he was up to no good. Besides, our bad boy radar was going off like a mofo whenever Benlow was around, no matter how delicious he was. We all almost forgot he was a baddy because he charmed the pants off of us just like he did Sookie. Come on… you can admit it. We’re all friends here. So, predictably, Bill to the great faerie rescue with an unexpected posse of Jason and Violet, Andy and Adilyn. It was here I became a real Violet fan. And it was good to see Andy and Jason kickin’ ass together again.

Violet scares the pants off Adilyn and her fear transports the posse into the faerie realm. Once they have Sookie in the protective arms of Violet, the rescuers flee back to the Bon Temps graveyard on the strength of Adilyn’s fear once more while Bill and Benlow battle it out. When a tricky Benlow transports back to Bon Temps — just like we knew he could! — Bill is literally hanging on to Benlow’s leg. It was kind of funny.

So back at Sookie’s, Bill realizes he’s truly lost his god powers. No more Billith for Bill. :( Warlow is defeated by Grandpa Niall, Sookie and Jason — the only non supe or fey of the bunch — who stakes the unfortunate Benlow. Sucks to be Mr. Flynn because his ancient fae/vampire hybrid princely self ends up a pile of shimmering goo on Sookie’s bathroom floor. And unfortunately for the vampires, so ends their brief time in the sun. And here is where the naked hotness that is Eric Northman spontaneously combusts into flames on the slopes of Are, Sweden. As he screams no, I bet he wishes he had a vacation location do over. But remember, Pam is off to search for her errant Viking Maker, so all hope is hopefully not lost.

Fast forward 6 months later…

Bill proves he’s a fame whore by writing a book entitled, And God Bled? Ha! Hilarious. I want to read that one. Sookie and Alcide FINALLY hook up. James is a rock star, sort of and I KNEW IT! Oh, and him and Jessica are together. Violet and Jason are going strong, and Violet is living up to her promise to Jason. And let me tell you, Jason IS begging. As he says, the time is due! Sometimes 3 times a night for 178 nights straight too! Lols. Awes-mazing. Sam is mayor of Bon Temps and Nicole is so pregnant and Sam and her look happy. Arlene is running Bellefleur’s, Bon Temp’s Bar & Grill since it looks like Merlotte’s is a thing of the past since Sam is mayor.

Now here’s the clincher…

While the whole town is gathered in the house of the Lord — and by that I mean church, not Bill’s — Sam announces it would be in every non Hepatitis V infected human’s best interest to pair up with a non Hepatitis V infected vampire. Yes, you heard correctly. He’s actually proposing a monogamous symbiotic relationship between humans and vampires. Which would mean a clean, willing food source for vampires and protection from hunting Hepatitis V infected vampires for humans. It’s a win win situation for everyone right?

Well, it seems to be so for Tara and her moms. To make amends for her heinous neglect and treatment of her daughter, Tara’s mom offers to feed her daughter. It seems like the perfect fix, right? But we all know it never ends well in Bon Temps. What if Tara has Hep V? What if Tara’s mom does? Whatever it is, something definitely seems hinky and suspicious there. But Tara takes a bite out of her mom anyway, hinky and suspicions be damned.

And even though Jessica is also trying to make amends with Andy and his last remaining daughter Adilyn, it is not coming up roses for our favorite Baby Vamper either. Andy didn’t shoot a wooden bullet into her heart, but he did slam the door in Jessica’s earnest and guilt ridden face. And he slammed it hard too.

So, that just leaves Sookie. And Bill. And Alcide, or should I say Bright Eyes? Lols. Bill’s new nickname for Alcide killed me. Alcide might be with Sookie now, but that doesn’t mean a thing to Bill. In fact, Bill says to our favorite werewolf’s clean shaven face, “Growl all you like, Bright Eyes, you’re not enough.” Which means, even though Alcide IS big and bad, he’s not enough to protect Sookie against vampire hordes driven mad by the lethal Hep V and craving fresh human blood. Ahem, and Bill is enough? Delusions of grandeur Bill? Well, he was god you know. And according to Bill, Sookie needs a vampire in her life. Maybe he’s still a bit prophet-ly?

And what do you think of Bill’s selfless *cough, cough* and chivalrous *cough, cough* offer of his services as protector of Sookie’s fae life’s blood? You know how irresistible she is to all supernaturals, especially vampires. She’s like vampire crack she said once, didn’t she? Thank goodness Violet isn’t tempted by Sookie’s faerie super allure. Or Jessica. But I guess that depends how hungry they all get, doesn’t it?  I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Is this supernatural guy enough for you?

And the last thing we see is Alcide’s supernatural nose sniffing out danger. And that danger just happens to be a horde of crazed Hep V infected vampires coming to the alfresco celebration dinner. And we don’t need a degree in hematology to figure out what’s on the menu. Eeesh. Are you effectively creeped out and terrified?

So here’s what we’re left with…

Eric’s smoking hot… Literally and unfortunately. Pam’s on a scavenger hunt/where in the world is Eric Northman adventure quest for her errant Maker. And if my hunch is correct, Northman may just thank his Viking boots that his progeny is so stubbornly faithful and enamored of his contrary ass. Takahashi got glamored by Bill and made out like a bandit. Tara may or may not have Hep V. Tara’s mom is on the menu… and may or may not have Hep V. Arlene’s rich and acting like a crazy Bellefleur, god love her. Benlow’s gone and so is Billith. Bill is a fame whore. Sookie IS a danger whore. Sam’s mayor of Bon Temps and a baby daddy to be, Jessica’s trying to make amends and her hot boyfriend is in a band. True Blood’s women folk are making good this season in the romance department, mostly. Andy’s watch has just begun and Adilyn is locked in the proverbial tower for her own safety, mind you. Jason is paying lip service to Violet, and a vampire horde of lethal Hep V infected vampires are as the episode title says, Radioactive. Sookie and Alcide/Bright Eyes are together at last and Bill doesn’t care. Because he still believes that age old mythical belief of his, “SOOK-EH IS MINE!”

And once again, all roads lead to Sookie. Wouldn’t Pam be thrilled?

Until Season 7, #waitingsucks doesn’t it?

°•°

Images via HBO
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